He Hated Himself
by Bailieboro
Summary: Lacking courage, Merlin turns away...
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1 : WHAT YOU FEAR, YOU HATE**

He hated himself. He felt guilty and he was embarrassed by his own reactions. He had pulled back from his best friend. He knew why, he knew it was because he was scared of the final outcome. He was scared of death.

I shouldn't have to face this, I'm young and healthy. I have my whole live ahead of me. It's not my fault, I'm not ready for this.

Death in the young is cruel, horrendous and mind defying. Why now?

I can't do it, I shouldn't have to. Nobody needs me to be involved. He's just someone I know. I don't really love him... His heart rebelled at this last thought. It fought to be heard but he squelched it, putting it down as you might a battle-injured horse, horrendous but knowing it was the right thing to do.

His mind was in full speed forward but his heart was like a heavy anchor, desperately striving to find a fast hold. Trying to overcome his runaway emotions and re-install the broken circuit that was causing him so much grief. He fought it all the way.

He felt that he was being turned inside out. All his emotions on view to anyone interested but who would care about him. His life was insignificant to those, who knew of this impending tragedy.

He needed to go to work... He balanced the breakfast platter and with a heavy heart, opened the door, glancing quickly at the sleeping person. He crossed the room and opened the curtains, not a word passed his lips. His master stirred and the servant cleared his throat, wakening him fully. He turned to get his dressing gown. Nothing was said.

The guilt, like acid was burning a hole in his heart. These face to face, non-verbal conversations were more than he could take. He had to be cold and uncaring if he were going to survive. He hated himself but he was strong, he could do it.

He held the dressing gown while the man put his arms through the sleeves. He moved in front of him, keeping his eyes downcast, putting his arms around him, the desire to give him a hug was overpowering but he just grasped the belt at the belt loops, tying it loosely. He knelt in front of him slipping on his house shoes.

Not a word was exchanged.

He stood aside and the man walked slowly to the table and sat down. His servant realised that when the man was upset as he now was, he looked older than his years.

Glancing at the man sitting with downcast eyes, he successfully kept his thoughts and words to himself. It was killing him, his heart was spiralling giving the most uncomfortable feelings to his body. He closed his eyes to regain control...

"Is it my fault, Merlin? "

His heart screamed, ' Yes...because you're sick and I am scared.'

"Did I say something to insult you?"

His mind screamed, '...you will die and leave me alone.'

"Tell me!" the man pleaded, "Whatever has happened was unintentional. I wouldn't purposely hurt you. What have I done? Please, I can't go on with this silent treatment. I want to hear your voice." A slight hitch in the cadence of his words betrayed his inner feelings, "Even if you insult me or yell at me, I'll accept it more readily that the silence between us...

This isn't like you, I'm sorry if I have done something so awful to merit it. I can't ask for forgiveness until you tell me what happened." His head was bowed low, his shoulders shaking, Merlin knew he was crying. He sniffed and Merlin heard him whisper, "Someone, stop this, it's killing me!"

Merlin's heart and his mind were fighting to gain control. He wanted to let his heart win so that he could cross the room and envelope the man in his arms, holding him close to his victorious heart. So close to confessing his fears, tears so close to flooding down his face, Merlin turned his back on the person he really loved. He realised, that of all the situations they had faced together, and there had been many, this was the worst.

"I can't face what's going to happen without you. Am I being selfish and non-thinking to hope that you will help me? The day will come when I will have no one with me but you..."

Merlin's mind screamed, 'Yes, and then you will go and I will have no one...' He felt that if he could only tell him face to face, he might help him solve this awful dilemma. How could you tell a person with a chronic condition that you were feeling more fearful than he was? Even, he could see that that made absolutely no sense. He almost forgot, that he was no longer speaking, so he bit his tongue.

Eyes cast down, he left the room.

Once into the corridor, he leaned against the wall and cried. He knew that walking out on him at this time, was the most despicable thing he had ever considered and against his better judgment. Yet he realised, that he would, because he was weak, frightened and unbelievably unsure of himself.

Later, when he knew the Prince would be in the Council Room with the king and his advisors, he returned to the chambers and tidied up, putting away the clothes. He would really have to make arrangements to leave. His job here was finished and a new manservant must be assigned to the Prince.

He looked at the clothes in the cupboard, the red cloak with the embroidered applique of a gold dragon. He held it to his face and smelled deeply, he could smell horse where it had lain on the destrier's hindquarters; ...the drawers with gloves, belts and personal items; ...the neatly folded tunics, doublets and pants, everyday wear and ceremonial. His life revolved around these clothes and the person who wore them.

He went back into the antechamber, to check on bath and bed linens. His eyes glanced at the line of boots.

The sheets had lavender springs in between them. He lowered his head and took a deep breath, lavender, a scent that he will forever associate with this job. He also loved the smell of linaments, the oils, the soaps and freshly dried garments. The smell of the stables, the scents in Gaius's chambers, his senses were being forced alive...

He sat on the unmade bed, finally curling on his side and cried for both of them. His senses were being bombarded...with the scents of the Prince himself.

He remained distant until the Prince asked him what he wanted to do that afternoon. That was not the way it was to be. He'd shrugged, he remembered the Prince's quizzical look but had ignored it. Then he remembered all the fun things they'd done together and the Prince seeing him relax had leaned towards him, putting his arm across his shoulders and gave them a squeeze. The electricity that surged through him was almost lethal. There was something about his touching him that short circuited his brain. He forgot his decisions and he had gone along with him and they'd had an almost normal day together.

Nevertheless, it was to be their last as far as he was concerned... He stopped as his love for this man tried to surface; his heart rejoiced and his mind quickly enclosed it with a solid wall.

From now on, he was not going to let his heart rule his life...

Right or wrong, his head would rule his heart!

The following morning, he would stay in bed. He had made all the necessary arrangements, there would be another manservant. He would tell Gaius that the Prince had suggested that he visit his mother.

Merlin knew he was now totally separated from the Prince in body and mind.

Merlin had yet to realise that he was not separated in heart and soul...


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2 : IMPLACABLE IN HATE **

A soft persistent knock on the door awoke Arthur. What was Merlin playing at? Well, he could play too.

"Stop being silly, Merlin, come on in you idiot!"

"Good Morning, Sire! I have your breakfast..."

A voice he didn't recognize, 'Who the hell was this?'

It was Roger, one of the older menservants followed by someone with a platter of food. He propped himself up on his elbows, seeing a young servant of about Merlin's age and thinking, 'What does he want?'

"Who are you?" He asked more roughly then he would normally address a servant. The older man gave him a questioning look.

Roger replied, "Sire...This is Wynn, I have assigned him as your temporary manservant until you have made a decision regarding a permanent one."

Arthur threw himself back on his pillows. He'd finally done it, driven Merlin away with his callousness, his cold-heartedness and inability to consider the feelings of others. This was the root of everything which happened between the two of them.

He motioned to the table as somewhere to leave the breakfast. Roger took his leave and left. Arthur asked the boy, whatever his name was, to open the curtains. He explained to him, that his services were no longer required but to return mid-morning to make his bed and tidy his room.

Wynn left. This was the strangest wake-up call as usually it included supplying hot water, helping the person dress and also to serve the actual food. He shrugged his shoulders and went back to his other chores around the castle. He'd make his way back the Prince's rooms and do them later as ordered. He wondered, 'Why was this job available? Where was Merlin the manservant?'

Arthur sat down at the table, suddenly he wasn't hungry. 'Where was Merlin?' He wracked his brains trying to solve the troubling situation? He couldn't for the life of himself remember what had been the crux of the problem that had resulted in this mess!

He blamed himself entirely. Merlin could be annoying in a sort of lovable way. He could feel a smile beginning at the corner of his mouth but he ignored it. Merlin's annoying ways had never been a problem for him. They were quite compatible or as compatible as a Crown Prince should be with a manservant. 'Well... for all intents and purposes,' he thought, '...but then again compatible wasn't exactly the correct word, was it?'

They had always settled their differences amicably... maybe, too amicably on Merlin's side. He always backed down, regardless of his feelings. Arthur had seen the fire in his eyes become captive and fade away. In retrospect, he should have followed up on Merlin's burning passion about things. Hunting was one example...

He had only once been physically hurt by Merlin and it was his own fault as he had after all been the instigator. Blows and inappropriate language had ensued but thanks to Gaius's intervention, they had made up finally becoming if anything closer than before. He had never seriously hurt Merlin when he was roughhousing. It was supposed to be all in fun. Wasn't it? Had the continual goading and teasing, finally broken his spirit?

Arthur knew that without Merlin present, this rift could never be healed. He had so much on his mind these days and the steadying effect of Merlin had been beneficial and made things bearable.

They had become so close, beyond brothers even but that couldn't be the problem as it had never caused any difficulties. He needed Merlin and somehow he hadn't been able to convey that fact because if he had, he couldn't ever see Merlin of all people abandoning him.

Maybe he was unwell and had arranged for this kid to serve him until he was better but what did Roger mean by saying that he was serving him until more permanent arrangements were made. He said aloud to the empty room, "Merlin _is_ my permanent arrangement!"

The more stressed he became; the harder it was to breath. It was getting out of control. He tried to take steady breaths as Gaius advised.

Merlin used to help him, sitting beside him, or kneeling in front of him, counting, his hand on his chest and finally smiling when the beat had returned to normal. For the longest time, he had had no bad attacks as Merlin's hand on his chest had given him the confidence to resist the panic and relax concentrating on breathing steadily, waiting until his heart slowed.

Whatever had happened between the two of them, please God, make it better soon! He sounded like a baby depending on someone else to solve the problem but he was now completely out of his depth and he knew it. The pain was not in his body but in his mind, the overwhelming fear that he was going to be alone.

He slowly dressed himself and left the room for the library. He needed to be by himself. Sir Geoffrey didn't count as he was absorbed in his books. Arthur kept reliving the past couple of weeks when he had first realised that something was wrong between them. However, he once again couldn't, put his finger on the cause.

Merlin had hardly grinned anymore. He was aloof and unwilling to fool around. He'd pull away from any physical contact. He was not as ready to backchat as usual. He didn't bug him anymore; never challenged him. No more idiotic ideas and he didn't even try to ride next to him if they went out. Something had happened!

People must have noticed his coolness to him and yet nobody had mentioned it. The knights had been reluctant to ride next to Arthur when Merlin was present, expecting him to claim his place beside him. Instead he rode alone, until in embarrassment, Arthur had requested that Sir Leon ride beside him. He'd glanced at Merlin as Leon took his place but Merlin looked right through him. He felt an emotion not unlike hate and saw the look of disinterest in his eyes. He wanted to stop everyone and plead with Merlin. That look had not registered only in his mind, it went straight to his heart. He had caught his breath in shock.

Besides getting down on his knees and pleading, Arthur had done everything possible to break back into Merlin's favour. He had apologised so many times that he realized it must have sounded like rote. However, he was determined not to give up! He felt tired and weepy, Geoffrey glanced at him so he just yawned and tried not to sniff. He still had some pride left.

* * *

><p>A week had gone by and no one mentioned Merlin's absence and he was too proud to acknowledge even to Gaius that he missed him. Their friendship had obviously been a sham. He'd be more careful before he ever opened his heart again. He missed him so much that he now understood the phrase - a broken heart!<p>

Mid morning the following day, a knock on the door announcing Sir Leon, brought Arthur back to the present. It was to notify him that the King would like him to attend him in the Council Chamber.

Leon noticed that he wasn't dressed, his breakfast looked uneaten and he seemed distant. He looked around and realised that he was alone so he asked, "Arthur, would you like me to summons Merlin to help you dress?"

Arthur nodded.

Something wasn't right and Sir Leon was going to bring it to Gaius's attention the first opportunity he had.

Arthur realising what he had done, jumped in before any further questions were asked and said, "Merlin is unwell."

"Sire, may I be of any assistance?" Leon offered.

Arthur absentmindedly accepted. He stood in another world as Leon acting as his dresser made him ready for his meeting with the king.

Sir Leon felt uncomfortable, there was something not right. He had to have a word in private with Merlin He refused to stand by watching his Prince in obvious distress probably as the result of a silly disagreement with his manservant whose job it was, to look after the Prince and look after him he would if he had anything to say about it.

He intended if necessary, to tear a strip off Merlin!


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3 : MY FRIEND JUDGE ME NOT **

Merlin had gone home but he was distracted and unhappy.

Hunith picked up on it immediately. She allowed him to settle in for a couple of days and had then asked him, "Merlin, is something wrong?"

"No..."

"Don't you feel well? Are you coming down with something?"

"No, I feel fine."

"Were you let go by Arthur? Is that what the problem is?"

"No, I'm having a few days holiday."

"Well then, have you had a fight with him?"

"No...Mam, we're not fighting. He thought, 'If a fight was at the root of this mess, I would at least know how to fix it!'

"Mam, it's just that we ..." He looked right at her but he couldn't tell her the truth. He couldn't go on, she'd be too disappointed in him. How do you tell your mother that you are scared of and frightened by something which will happen to your friend? That you are a coward...

All the times when he was little, being teased and bullied by the kids in the village because he was different, he would pour his heart out to her and she would enfold him in her arms and everything would be alright. He knew she was strong and capable. She could look after him and make things better even when he'd been teased to the point of coming home with a bloodied nose and arms bruised by punches. She'd hold him and tell him that he was special and she wished she could take him somewhere to people who would accept him as he was and realise what a wonderful little person he was.

"One day..." she'd promise, "One day, you will be happy with all these gifts which you have but now...you must never use them. Be careful, Merlin My Love!"

For once in his life, Merlin was too embarrassed to tell her what he was facing. He should have been able to but something stopped him. He knew she realised he was holding something back but she had accepted it, hoping that when he felt comfortable, he would share what was bothering him.

But that day of comfort never came, Merlin remained taciturn and sad, sitting in front of the fire staring for hours into the cold ashes. Where was her bubbly son? Usually, he would have told her what was worrying him but never before had he remained silent for so long. Hunith decided to wait it out but finally realised that hiding in Ealdor was the last thing he needed. She made up his mind for him...

Hunith had sent him back to Camelot after ten days. She told him he couldn't stay longer, that he had to face whatever stumbling block was impeding his future. "You must face up to it, either by accepting it or make the conscious decision to move on."

She was worried when the only reaction that she got to that ,was a look of absolute pain. She also dropped a line to Gaius.

Merlin had taken the letter but it wouldn't get any further than under his mattress, he wouldn't open it but he had no intention of delivering it either.

* * *

><p>Leaving Ealdor, early one morning, he promised his tearful mother that he would take care of himself and remember her to Gaius and Arthur. He walked alone, he wasn't the best of company even for himself. His mind went back to his first trip to Camelot. That journey had been so exciting, it had passed quickly, tempered by the anticipation of being in a town and seeing Gaius again.<p>

Now he felt as if he was being drawn against his will. He stopped at an alehouse to waste time. Maybe he should just go off with the next group of travelers and forget about Camelot. But he couldn't, regardless of the horrors which lay ahead of him, he was drawn there like a moth to a flame. He wouldn't acknowledge that Arthur was the enticement but there was a certain lightening of his spirit, the closer he got to the castle.

His heart was challenging but his mind still had the lead. He decided that he could live in Camelot, an isolated entity cut off from the royal aspect of the castle. He was within two hours of seeing those spires and turrets again. He'd missed the beauty of the place.

Hearing horses, he got off the trail into the woods and hunkered down and waited, a group of riders by the sound of it. He heard the voices before he saw them but he knew who they were. He froze. The red cloaks, his heart lifted, anyone of them if they were returning to Camelot would have offered to let him double up with them but he couldn't make his presence known.

...and then he saw him! Looking healthy, chatting with Sir Rupert, he never realised than in the bracken a couple of feet away lay Merlin, whom he was missing and had not yet given up hope of finding.

They were well on their way by the time Merlin lifted his tear stained face. If he was doing the right thing, why had seeing him left him groveling, prostrate on the ground wanting only to hear him say his name.

He dusted off the leaves and debris, put his backpack over his shoulder and with head down trudged along the trail. Weren't homecomings supposed to be joyful, happy occasions? The closer he got to Camelot, the more he doubted his decision but he couldn't force his heart to relinquish its hold on the prince and he had to follow his heart.

As planned before, he would distance himself from the prince, work for Gaius, be happy, well as happy as he could possibly be. No pleading from Arthur would change his mind. He would be strong...

* * *

><p>He lay there, listening to the sounds of the waking castle. He had never returned to working for the prince so his days were his own. He told himself, "No chores, no assignments, no worries!" He lied to himself as he convinced himself he was happy. He murmured "No running around after that obnoxiously hateful royal!"<p>

His heart took an out of sequence beat, had he really verbalized such an awful thought?

Now, that he was technically no longer, in the Prince's employ; he had no need to consider his desires, his interests or his idiosyncrasies... Let them be someone else's problems, he'd dealt with them long enough. He was well rid of them! However, he had surprised himself with that unkind thought, you couldn't really say that the Prince was obnoxious or hateful... His heart surged as he remembered his innermost feelings and he beat them down mercilessly.

With Gaius's approval, he had hoped to return to his position as the Court Physician's assistant. Even though he had been back a week, he had yet to mention this to Gaius, who hadn't realised that he had not returned to the Prince's chambers.

Merlin would have no need to ever be on the royal floor or in the Council Chambers. He would attend nothing that he felt the Prince might attend. The Prince would no longer be part of his life.

Damn it! If that was the fact, why was he wasting his time thinking about him? It wasn't working! He couldn't get him out of his mind... His mind had a will of its own over which he apparently had little control at the moment.

' A beautiful day, what would he want to wear?

Did he intend to ride this afternoon?

How had he felt overnight, had he slept well?

Was he up to going on with his usual plans this morning?

Was Uther treating him fairly?

Was anyone being unkind to him?

He'd take care of them...

Stop it!'

He didn't care...from now on every single particle of his being was going to be tuned to how he, Merlin, felt and how those people with whom he felt that he had an association, were coping.

Suddenly, a tear rolled down his cheek, beside his nose and into the corner of his mouth, he automatically sought it out with his tongue. Another one ran down his chin and more were slowly making their way across his cheek to his pillow. He was so lonely, he missed him, it hurt and he didn't know what he was going to do...

He hated himself but he saw it as survival of the fittest. He was going to be the survivor and it would be easier to survive if he had no emotional attachments to the dead. He had tried to distance himself bit by bit but being with the Prince, day by day had only cemented their friendship. He had been so strong, that very first week; he had intentionally ignored all his pleasantries and tried to make it a business arrangement. He thought, 'I did my job and received remuneration for my services.'

Remembering the good times was going to be the biggest hurdle to overcome. He wanted to reach the point that when he heard of Arthur's death, he could quite calmly state, 'Shame, he would have made a good King!'

Nothing else, no tears, no qualms that he hadn't done as much as he could... Nothing! He would be able to commiserate with his fellow workers on the loss to Camelot but deep down he would feel very little. Even thinking about it, made his heart ache and tears form in his eyes.

He would work at being the strongest minded person in Camelot. He could do it, he had his magic and if necessary he would find a spell to turn his heart to ice, allowing it to thaw only when he was strong enough and as cold hearted as the King.

He'd show Arthur that he had no need of him. He'd cultivate new friends and allow himself to open his heart to love others.

Others... but he did love others, his Mam and Gaius. It was Gaius who was going to be the biggest hurdle in this exercise, Gaius who adored Arthur. Gaius who with his training would be compassionate and loving to the bitter end whenever that might be, holding Arthur as he died...

All of a sudden, reality hit, he involuntarily gasped, "No!"

He, Merlin loved Arthur, Arthur loved him. He would want him to be with him not anyone else. It was his responsibility as his best friend but he wouldn't...be able to...he was already paralysed with fear just thinking about it.

Could you learn to be brave?

Did you become brave with practice?

How could he become brave?

Suddenly, there was a banging at the door. Gaius telling him he was late, Arthur would be waiting for his breakfast. He decided to tell Gaius the truth tomorrow. It would be soon enough and with that decision made, he swung his legs to the floor and got out of bed.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4 : MEA CULPA – THROUGH MY FAULT **

Arthur wasn't doing well. He was feeling rotten, he felt sick, clammy and he couldn't slow his heartbeat.

The session in the Council Chamber had dragged on.

He remained at the table, piling papers, when everyone left, as he didn't trust himself to stand up. He still hadn't managed to get any news of Merlin. Suddenly, he realised his vision was blurry, his peripheral vision was black and he fell forward smacking his head hard on the table.

Sir Rupert returning to collect something for Uther found the unconscious Prince. He put his hand on his neck and thought he found a pulse. It flew across his mind to go to the King but knew Arthur needed Gaius and he was already on his way to his chambers, by the time he had made his mind up.

Without any preliminaries, he burst into the room almost giving the Court Physician, a heart attack. "Arthur is..." was all he managed to get out before Gaius was already collecting vials and at his side.

"Where?"

"Council chamber!"

"He'll be alright...is Merlin with him?"

Rupert shook his head, "He was alone..."

Gaius frowned, "I don't know what has got into that boy recently!"

They burst into the Council Chamber and Merlin was seated beside him gasping, holding him, sobbing.

Gaius turned to Rupert, "Get Lancelot and Gawaine, no one else."

Gaius went over and forcefully pried Merlin away from him and he slid onto the floor. He found Arthur's pulse. It was strong but erratic, he could hopefully fix that. He gave Arthur the contents of the vial which he had taken to carrying with him and, laid his head gently back on the table. The bump on his head was irrelevant at the moment.

His next concern was Merlin. He was on the floor staring vacantly into space. He whispered to him, "Merlin, it's me, Gaius." but to no avail. He seemed lost, not conscious of his surroundings or the fact that he was lying on the Council Room floor.

Gaius spoke to him but he seemed almost catatonic, so he pulled him up roughly and dumped him on the chair next to Arthur. He slumped forward and his head also hit the table with a clunk. Gaius checked his pulse it was steady but weak. He reached into his bag and put a vial of carbonate of ammonium under his nose. That brought him to his senses...he pulled away from the vial and his eyelids flickered and opened but he kept his head on the table.

What had to two of them been up to? Both with irregular heartbeats, what had Merlin been doing, his heart was strong and healthy? There was something going on between the two of them which was playing havoc with Merlin's mind. He was too unhappy, distracted and worried of late. He'd visited his Mother and come back no brighter. Gaius knew that he would have to get to the bottom of it as he had intended to suggest that Merlin, as Arthur trusted him, might take on some responsibility for Arthur's care.

Seeing the state of Merlin, he wondered if that would be a wise choice. A month ago, he would have had no question about it, but seeing him today, he realised he was not as steady as he thought he would be.

Not knowing how deep the tie was between the boys and not needing to know, he leant over Merlin and whispered his name. He was conscious and lifted his head to Gaius, tears streaming down his face. He immediately sought Gaius's hands and held tightly to them, confessing that he had done something awful to the Prince.

Gaius tried to convince him, "This is not your doing. Arthur's heart must have acted up. Some stress or something had triggered the irregularity."

Merlin just kept repeating, "But I made it do that, it was all my fault. Gaius, I'm killing him."

Hearing the others in the corridor, Gaius removed Merlin's hands, he put his hand under his chin and lifted it towards him and made him look at him. The boy really looked exhausted and sick himself, he said "You can tell me later. Now, let's get Arthur to his chambers."

Arthur was quickly moved to his bed chamber. Gaius after checking his pulse on arrival nodded at the Knights, "It's back to normal. Thank you for helping him." They nodded, looking worried and left.

Sir Rupert waited, let the King wonder where he was, he needed to check something with Gaius first. "If I hadn't found him when I did, what would have happened?"

Gaius glanced at Merlin who was standing in the window and shook his head telling Rupert quietly, "Who knows? He might have come to, by himself, we'll never know." Rupert nodded and left Arthur to Gaius and Merlin.

Three times, Gaius called his name before Merlin responded. He turned, his face still streaked with tears. "No time for self pity now Merlin, help me get him into something more comfortable, he'll be out of it for around six hours."

"I really need to talk to you Gaius, now..."

"Not now! I presume you know that you have some serious explaining to do. Honestly, Merlin, he's your friend, why were you not in attendance at the Council? The King allows you to be with Arthur regardless of where he is."

There was a knock on the door, Gaius told whoever it was to come in expecting possibly Uther but the young servant Wynn walked in. He opened his eyes wide when he saw Merlin. He smiled and said, "Hello, Stranger! Are you ready to have your job back?"

Gaius's eyebrows raised, looked at Merlin and asked, "What's he talking about?"

Wynn, then noticed Arthur in the bed. He stepped forward and straightened the bed cover and started to fold his clothes and put away his boots.

Gaius couldn't believe what he was seeing. No servant in his right mind would be so personal with the Prince, his bedding or his clothes. No household servant if he knew what his life was worth would usurp the position of the prince's manservant. 'What was going on?' He turned to Merlin who stood with downcast eyes. Gaius sighed and said threateningly, "Merlin, you'd better be able to explain what I am seeing..."

He turned to the other young lad, thanked him and told him that he services were no longer required until he was notified tomorrow morning. That should give the two of them a chance to get this mess straightened out. Starting right now!

He grabbed Merlin by the ear and dragged him over to the table. Plunking him down, none too gently, he said, "We're going to get to the bottom of this right now...!"

In a stage whisper, Gaius told Merlin that in no uncertain terms, he wanted the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth... "Now speak!"

Merlin looked at Arthur in the bed and said simply, "Gaius, how do you learn to be brave?" He told him in detail how he was feeling, fearful; frightened out of his wits; appalled with the thought of being alone with Arthur; how he felt almost terrified by the thought of being with Arthur when he died and so ashamed. His voice broke continually and large tears ran down his cheeks as he confessed each weakness.

Gaius breathed a sign of relief; this was a bad case of nerves. Thankfully, there was no rift between them. Merlin was feeling out of his depth facing what they hoped would be in the far distant future. He needed time to understand and accept Arthur's condition. Right then and there, he made a decision to inform Merlin more fully of every one of Arthur's problems and to be open to any of his questions. No matter how many or how inconvenient time wise, he would make the time, as in this case he believed that the living needed as much care as the dying.

He didn't intend overburdening him with unnecessary details but give him the information needed to set his mind at ease. Merlin had stared death in the face many times but Gaius knew that he had never been as involved with one person or so close, as he was with Arthur.

Now he wanted more information. "I want you to go back to the beginning, Merlin and tell me what happened and where you have been for the last two weeks since returning from Ealdor..."

Slowly the story came out. "I didn't want him to hurt me so, I tried not to be his friend anymore. I refused to speak to him and stayed away only doing what was necessary in the mornings and the evenings." Between hiccups and sniffs he explained, "I let Arthur think it was his fault. He spent hours trying to find what he had done wrong...he'd get so upset and I refused to talk to him period. Then I'd think that maybe I should tell him that it wasn't his but my fault but then I became too frightened...

He never gave me permission to go to see Hunith. I just notified the Master of the Household that I was going to be away and for him to arrange another servant for Arthur and he sent Wynn. I stayed with my mother for ten days and came back but never went back to work." At this point he decided to tell all and mentioned the letter for Gaius which he had underneath his mattress.

Gaius frowned and tutted but Merlin looked so broken, fragile even, that he just motioned for him to continue the story.

"I got up each morning and depending on the weather either went to Home Farm to be with the horses or up into the attics and the quieter wings."

"So what were you doing in the Council Chamber when I returned with Rupert?"

Merlin looked at Gaius and blushed, "You know how when you love someone and he touches you and you feel electricity.

Gaius smiled gently, "Yes Merlin..."

"I was in the library and I was suddenly filled with electricity. I felt sure that Geoffrey must have been able to see the sparks. I saw Arthur fall and smack the table and I took off at a run. I even knew where he was. I ran in, got hold of him and there was no electricity...Gaius, I felt nothing!

I squeezed him to me really hard and then released him and did it again." Tears were streaming down Merlin's face, "I told him I loved him and he had to breathe. I kept squeezing him really hard and saying, 'Breathe, Arthur, please breathe!' Then I felt a little spark and it grew and grew and we had electricity between us. Slowly, he came back, he gasped and then you were hauling me off him. I was exhausted and didn't feel like myself at all. Gaius what does this mean?"

"You love him and nothing either of you can do will break that love. It means that you are special to each other and I think that when he comes round and is able to see you, it will be better for him than any silly medicine I can give him. Seriously though, Merlin, I think that when you went to the Council Room, Arthur's heart had stopped and your squeezing him to you, none too gently by the sound of it, might have just given it what it needed to start off again.

Merlin, everyone is going to die but you are going to grow up to be so brave and strong that when the time finally comes, you will allow him to die without blaming him; helping him even to face those last months and days knowing that you forgive him for leaving you and that as long as you live, your love will always be his alone."

Getting up, Merlin gave Gaius a hug, he'd understood and hadn't yelled at him but he still had to teach him _how_ to be brave.

They sat there monitoring Arthur all afternoon at one point Gaius had nodded off and Merlin crept over to the bed, removed his boots and lay down next to Arthur, so they touched. He felt the electricity and smiled...

Gaius woke up at Lancelot's tapping on the door wanting to know if they needed supper. He came in, glancing at his two sleeping friends, saying that Arthur must be pleased that Merlin was back as he had not really done very well while he was away.

Gaius turned and saw the two of them, saying that he didn't think that Arthur knew yet. Lancelot offered to go to the kitchen for food. Gaius nodded, "Thank you..."

It was going to be a long night for the three of them...


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 : WHERE THERE IS HATRED LET ME SOW LOVE**

Gaius didn't bother wakening Merlin when Lancelot returned with the food. He'd left the two of them sleeping as once Arthur woke, he knew there would be tears and accusations and hopefully all hurt feelings would be mended and they would stay up all night talking.

He walked over and checked Arthur's pulse, it was steady again. He looked at Merlin lying there and knew that even if he didn't realise it himself, Merlin in leaving the Library and finding Arthur had taken a big step forward in his search for bravery. He pulled a cover over him. He must have disturbed Arthur who was coming to, after the medication he had given him.

Arthur mumbled, "Merlin! Where are you? Come-back!"

Gaius whispered, "No Arthur, it's me, Gaius. Merlin is asleep next to you." He reached down and pulled Merlin's arm over Arthur, so that he would feel that he was really there. Arthur still sleepy reached for Merlin's hand and kissed it before placing it on his heart and falling back to sleep. After all their problems of the last few weeks, Arthur deserved to know that his old Merlin was back and lying beside him.

Gaius smiled and thought to himself, 'If only love could heal a damaged heart...' However, Arthur could live for years if stress was kept at a minimum and he religiously did what he was told. Merlin and he would mature into strong men able to face all life's problems head on.

He would like to hear again, Merlin's story that when he first held Arthur there was no electricity. Had Arthur's heart stopped and were Merlin's squeezes responsible for its starting again?

Gaius had seen Merlin face horrendous odds in many situations to save Arthur's life but the mind is a fragile thing and Merlin's was not as strong without his magic. He wondered, how you made someone brave?

Did you expose people to situations until they became hardened to them? He didn't want someone hard-hearted being with Arthur.

Did you threaten them to open their eyes and see what is staring them in the face? How could you threaten someone who had magic?

Did you ridicule them to the point of despair? That was easy to answer, he could never ridicule Merlin because he was so attached to him that it would be like ridiculing himself.

It was getting late, so Gaius wrapped himself in a blanket and sat in the chair near the fire. He would doze but be wakened by any movements from the others. He glanced over at them.

Love, he thought is this strange thing that lives in the hearts of all men. You can't hold it or force it into being. You cannot force anyone to love you. You cannot make someone be in love or make them not be in love. It's a spark not unlike the spark that makes a heart beat. Nourished and cared for, love will live for the person's lifetime.

That was what he wished for his Merlin and Arthur.

It was the birds' singing which wakened Merlin, he looked up and saw the curtains around Arthur's bed. He felt Arthur's body beside him and he snuggled into him. He closed his eyes again, everything was going to be alright. Someone was holding his hand. He turned his head and was greeted by a smile and tear filled eyes. He smiled back. He lifted his head and saw Gaius asleep in the chair near the fire. It was still somewhat dark outside. He let his head fall back upon the pillow.

"Good Morning, Sleepy Head! I've been waiting for you to wake up. What happened? When did you get back and why are you on my bed?"

Merlin, grinned, he felt all of a sudden brave. "You had a dizzy spell in the Council Room and we brought you here. You're going to be fine but you must do what Gaius and I tell you!"

"...and," Arthur smiled, "Will you do what I tell you?"

Merlin laughed quietly and with a little grin said, "Yes, Sire, always and forever."

Arthur kissed the hand, he had practically held all night and said softly, "Merlin, get under the blankets into the bed with me!"

Merlin slid off the bed, pulled back the blankets, he looked at Arthur who smiled and nodded, so he slipped in next to Arthur. He lay motionless beside him and then turned slightly toward him, snuggling into him saying, "No fooling around though, Arthur, as if we wake up Gaius, we'll be in his bad books, at least for a whole day..."

Arthur smiled. He felt that his heart was as full of love as it could ever be. Merlin was talking to him, he'd come back to him. He had him to himself. He was beside him and he needed him there for as long as he lived. Was Merlin feeling the same, was he also filled with a warm and cozy feeling which Arthur hadn't felt for so long?

"What happened to us, Merlin? We were such friends then I did something awful to you and you no longer wanted to be around me. I missed you so much. Life is very lonely in this castle without you. I'm sorry I hurt you. Where did you go? I looked for you everywhere but couldn't find you."

Merlin took Arthur's hand and pulled it to his heart. "It was my fault, I was being silly. I got frightened and then couldn't tell you and so I let you think it was you who had caused all the hard feelings. I hated myself because I really was your friend the whole time and I just left you. I went to Ealdor but I wasn't happy there. My Mam made me come back. I knew I belonged here. I wanted to be near you again but didn't know how to tell you as I felt that by then you had forgotten me...

"I could never forget you. Even in the bad times, I wanted to look up when someone knocked at my chamber door and see you coming in."

Merlin chuckled, "Well, like that was going to happen, as I never knock!"

"I sometimes thought I saw you in the distance and then when you came closer it was someone else and I died a little more inside."

"Don't say that Arthur, we're going to live until we are old men." Merlin smiled, there was that bravery thing again.

"Why didn't you come to me when you came back to Camelot? I wanted you around me not Wynn."

"I can't explain. I was scared you'd tell me to sod off as I had left without your permission. I was so lonely and nothing made any sense. I figured that you were probably quite happy with your new manservant."

That made Arthur laugh and he said quietly, "What, be happy with someone who always arrived on time? Who kept my room tidy and my clothes always clean, ready to be worn? Who shined my armour without complaining and always called me Sire and was never impertinent? Merlin, I was going out of my mind with boredom... and wanting you."

Arthur leant over and took Merlin's hand. He unclasped all the fingers and gently kissed his palm, then carefully curled all the fingers back to safely hold the kiss.

"What was that for?"

Arthur said, "To say thank you, as I have the strangest feeling that the only reason I'm here today... is because of you..."

Merlin shyly smiled and shrugged...


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6 : TWO HEARTS BEAT BETTER THAN ONE**

Gaius woke when the sunlight hit his face. He tentatively stretched, he knew he was too old to spend a night in a chair, he needed his own bed for his weary bones. Then slowly the happenings of the previous day came back to him. Arthur...!

He looked over to the bed, two heads fast asleep. It was time, he got Merlin up to get on with his duties. Standing up, he painfully made his way to the bed.

He leant over Arthur and lifted his arm from Merlin and held his wrist, his pulse was steady and strong. He smiled as there didn't seem to be any damage from yesterday's set back. Touching Arthur had disturbed him. He smiled happily at Gaius and put his arm back over Merlin who was sleeping peacefully next to him. He then opened his eyes more fully to check that Merlin really was there and that it wasn't some kind of dream, he sighed and snuggled into him.

"He came back, Gaius!"

Gaius said, "So I see and you're in much better shape than when we brought you here yesterday."

"I feel just like my old self. I think I slept really well and anyway Merlin was here to keep on eye on me in case anything went wrong. Gaius, why did he leave me?"

"I think that your being sick was preying on his mind. He couldn't see anyway to help you so he got frightened and doubted that he was important to you. He pulled away from you and finally unable to see a way out, he ran away.

"I was so scared when he was gone, I need him. He knows how to get me to take steady breaths; he helps me get them regular again. Gaius, he would sit beside me, or kneel in front of me counting. He puts his hand on my chest and looks at me, finally smiling when the beat had returned to normal. I can't do it by myself. I try but then I panic and it gets worse. What happens if he leaves me again?"

"He won't leave you, he's back to being the person he used to be...there will be no leaving again..."

A drowsy voice interrupted, "Leaving, who's leaving?" Merlin opened his eyes and saw Gaius. "I'll get up right now, I know I'm probably late!" Gaius took his wrist and felt for his pulse, it was absolutely normal.

Arthur laughed, "No you won't be, as you are already here."

Merlin took in his surroundings, he blushed, jumped out of bed and said, "Arthur, I shouldn't be here... I'm sorry...I don't know what came over me."

"It's alright, Merlin. I invited you to sleep with me. You looked cold lying on the bed and I wanted you near me in case I wasn't well during the night. Don't you remember anything?"

Gaius walked over to the table and busied himself collecting vials and scraps of paper where he had written notes on Arthur's condidtion.

"Sort off, you were sick and Gaius dozed off and I needed to be near you..." He shook his head, wakening more fully in the process, he looked down on Arthur and smiled. Sitting back down on the bed, he continued, "...and I lay down with you in case you needed me, then you woke up and asked me to crawl under the blankets. Phew! For a second I thought, that I'd just charged in here and crawled into your bed univited."

Arthur touched his hand and said, "Merlin, you would never be uninvited in my bed..."He looked up at Merlin and smiled.

"Arthur, I'll never do it again...Well, unless you specifically ordered me to," and he blushed, grinning. That grin, was the look which filled Arthur's and many other people's hearts with love for this special young man.

"Right then! I order you to pack up your meagre possessions and relocate here to these chambers. The royal servant's room off the antechamber will now be considered your official sleeping quarters."

"I'll have my own room with a proper bed not a cot. Arthur, thank you." He smiled cheekily and said quietly, "...and maybe on some occasions, I could invite you to share my bed with me." As Arthur's hand grabbed his wrist, he pulled away smiling and turned to Gaius who was leaving the room.

"Can Arthur have a regular breakfast?"

"I don't see why not. Arthur, are you hungry enough to eat? If so yes, then get up and dressed. Nothing too energetic today but a walk around the castle and if the weather holds around the courtyard would be good for you. Merlin, watch him on the stairs and Arthur promise that if you feel anything strange with your heartbeat tell Merlin. Promise?"

"Of course, I will and then he can put his hand on my chest and count. He's getting good at that." He grinned cheekily at Merlin.

Gaius shook his head at them, smiled and left, saying, "I want see you mid-afternoon in my chambers, both of you." ...and he was gone.

As the door closed, Arthur said, "Merlin, I could share your bed in the antechamber? You really mean that?"

"Well, not every night as I want to get used to the idea of being able to roll over on my stomach and not fall off the bed. Arthur this is going to be great. A bed, a proper bed, I've never been in a bed before..."

"But you were last night!"

"That's not the same as I had to share it and I was too worried about you to really think about the size of the bed!"

"Merlin, don't worry about me. Whatever happens happens...Gaius will try his best and I am always going to do exactly what he says, no matter how annoying and drink whatever he gives me, no matter how disgusting!"

"...and what about what I say?" Merlin looked at him from across the room.

"You, Merlin, take precedence on my list of people to obey. Well, that actually depends on what you want me to do..." he raised his eyebrows causing Merlin to blush and drop his head.

"Well, before this conversation becomes any more heated, I'm off to get breakfast. Anything you would like in particular?"

"You...?"

Merlin laughed saying, "Sorry but I'm not on the menu this morning...how about a nice kipper?"

He handily dodged the pillow which headed his way. He thought, 'I love you Arthur Pendragon and intend to keep doing so until we are two old men reminiscing and probably lying about our lifetime accomplishments.'

Arthur lay back as the door closed; he said to the empty room, "What have I done in this life to deserve such a good friend?" He knew he needed him more than Merlin realised, however, maybe one day, he would be able to show him exactly how much.

* * *

><p>Merlin returned with breakfast. He watched like a hawk as Arthur got out of bed. He held his dressing gown for him and Arthur ran his fingers through his hair as he leant in to tie the belt.<p>

"Stop it, Arthur, we're going to have to have ground rules. When I am playing the part of dresser, you must cooperate by being the royal who sees me only as a second pair of hands, nothing more nothing less. We'll never get anything done otherwise. Come on, sit down and eat something."

Happily clearing away the meal while Arthur washed, Merlin chose some informal clothes suitable for hanging around the castle. There was a tap on the door and Merlin answered it. Wynn was standing there with a worried look on his face. "Was I supposed to bring the prince's breakfast? Gaius never said anything yesterday. I'm a little confused as to where I stand, are you back permanently?"

Merlin smiled putting the other servant at ease. "No, to the breakfast query and yes, I'm back now but thank you so much for covering for me while I was away. Arthur mentioned how capable you had been."

"You're lucky, Merlin, he is the perfect master. It was an honour to serve him if only for a short while."

Merlin smiled, "He's one in a million, isn't he?"

Wynn nodded and carried on down the corridor.

A voice from the room said, "I am, am I?"

"People who eavesdrop rarely hear anything good about themselves! That's what my Mam told me! Here, let me help you with your clothes so we can get out of this room as Gaius ordered."

Suddenly there was a squawk! Merlin was holding Arthur's under tunic over his head so that he could slip it down over him when Arthur had placed his hands around him and hugged him. Merlin had jumped not yet used to this familiarity.

"Merlin, I hope you never do that when we are in public..."

"I didn't do anything, you did."

"And, what about that suspiciously feminine yelp which I most distinctly heard?"

"You caught me by surprise, I was miles away."

"Miles away?"

"Well, at least one foot away."

"I can see that we need to rectify that immediately. Stop fussing with the buckles. Look at me!"

Ever obedient to his master's wishes, well almost always obedient, Merlin did as he was told and was rewarded with another hug and a chaste kiss. He smiled and thought, 'This is the beginning of something that I might really enjoy.' However, he said, "Sire, should you be holding your humble manservant so closely?"

"Forever and always," said Arthur with a grin and still holding him closely, thought, 'Not so much held as embraced...'

Slowly the feeling of self hatred was removed from Merlin's mind. His mind knew why he had run and now, his heart understood why he had returned. Arthur's love for him had fostered a sense of self worth which he had never before experienced from someone his own age.

Gaius cleared his throat and they realised that he was standing there with a basketful of vials and other medications. Arthur blushed and let go of him.

"I thought you were supposed to be taking some easy exercise. I return to drop off some draughts and the two of you are still here."

Merlin turned and smiled at the man, he considered as a father and said, "Arthur isn't ready yet..."

"So I see, maybe helping him put on his jacket might better accomplish that!"

Arthur grinned and like a child held out his arms so his dresser might work unhampered, and thought, 'This is the first day of the rest of my life.'

Gaius was never able to explain satisfactorily what had happened in the Council Chamber. Arthur's heart now remained in regular rhythm and Merlin's heart had its usual strong beat. He decided that as long as the two of them were healthy and happy, nothing else really mattered...

**FINIS**


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